Growing up I didn't really notice that I looked different to the other kids, not until I reached high school. Everything changed from that point; people noticed that my skin colour was darker than theirs, but I confused them by having straight brown hair. Before asking my name, or anything else about me, kids would say "where are you from?"
I hail from the not-so-exotic Bedfordshire, and both of my parents hail from the slightly-more-exciting London. My grandparents on my Dad's side came from St Vincent, in the West Indies, and mixed with my mother's blonde and whiter-than-white gene pool I got my "tanned" skin tone, straight dark brown hair and green eyes.
When I was pregnant for the first time, I tried to imagine what my baby was going to look like. Ian has brown hair, fair skin and blue eyes, so I expected that our baby would have either green or blue eyes, perhaps an olive complexion, but most definitely he would have dark hair. So when this little red, squirmy blonde-haired baby was brought to me the first words out of my mouth were "who's that?!" Because a baby with fair skin and fair hair was not what I expected at all!
Little N has sandy blonde hair now, and his skin is the kind that goes golden if you even mention the word "sunshine". If I was surprised by his fairness, then J's was an even bigger shock. He is almost white blonde and his skin is even fairer. And to top it off, he looks exactly like Ian and nothing at all like me. But that's okay, I don't mind that there isn't an awful lot of resemblance. I think most parents are used to getting comments about how much their child looks like the other parent.
What I do mind however, is the number of comments from people who assume that I am the childminder, the nanny, the babysitter, the au pair. And when I explain that I am actually their mother, I then get confused looks, awkward mumbles of disbelief and once even "what, biologically?" I have lost count of how many times this kind of comment has been made to me at toddler groups and mummy meet-ups, or in supermarket queues and waiting rooms.
It hurts.
Something changes when you become a parent. It seems to start during pregnancy. All of a sudden, people lose all sense of tact and diplomacy, and it's open season on people giving their opinions, regardless of whether they're wanted or not. It continues through pregnancy and seemingly all the way through parenthood. People give you their two cents without filtering their thoughts at all. Even when those comments are hurtful.
It's also frustrating that once people have accepted that no, I'm not a childminder, and yes, I am their biological mother, the brain-to-mouth filter still doesn't engage. I then get remarks such as "oh but you're so dark and they're so fair, their dad must be really fair then."
Actually, no. Sure, he's got white skin and blue eyes but he's got dark hair. I could give them a quick science refresher about how the mechanism behind hair color isn't a dominant or recessive allele but a cumulative effect based on the number of eumelanin or phaeomelanin genes that are turned on, and given that my mum and two of her sisters are blonde that I probably contribute just as much if not more to the boys' fair features - but I imagine it would go completely over their heads.
Instead I find myself awkwardly smiling and muttering "yeah something like that". I'm the one that ends up feeling embarrassed by the situation, even though it's not me that has caused it. It's other people with their inappropriate questions. I have friends who have had ended up feeling equally embarrased when they have been asked if their twins were conceived naturally, or if their children all have the same dad. It is of nobody else's concern, and anyway I don't know what people achieve from knowing the ins and outs.`
Instead I find myself awkwardly smiling and muttering "yeah something like that". I'm the one that ends up feeling embarrassed by the situation, even though it's not me that has caused it. It's other people with their inappropriate questions. I have friends who have had ended up feeling equally embarrased when they have been asked if their twins were conceived naturally, or if their children all have the same dad. It is of nobody else's concern, and anyway I don't know what people achieve from knowing the ins and outs.`
It's okay to be curious about other people; that's human nature. It's not okay to be tactless about it though. Before you say something, ask yourself if it's really necessary. Ask yourself if it's really appropriate. Ask yourself if it would upset you if the shoe was on the other foot. And if it would, rephrase the comment or perhaps just keep the thought to yourself.
That way you definitely won't hurt anyone's feelings.
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UPDATE:
Wow. The response to this post has been overwhelming to say the least. Most people have responded kindly, thank you to all of you lovely people! Some others have been a little less supportive, so I'd like to clear a few things up. I've reworded some of the things that have been said, so as not to point the finger at anyone directly:
1. "I don't get it, she just looks like a tanned white girl, why is she so bothered?"
I write a post about people assuming I'm a childminder because my hair and skin are darker than my children (that is other people's reasoning by the way, and not just my assumption), and I get a bunch of people saying that I'm not dark-skinned enough for anyone to make those comments. Okaaaaay. Yes, in this photo I guess I do look like a "tanned white girl". It was taken at the end of winter, when my skintone looks "tanned" (and I get delivery drivers and checkout staff asking me if I've just got back from anywhere nice. Nope it's just my skintone). So if people think I'm tanned in winter, what do you think they make of me during the summer! Oh, and yes it has been edited in post-production because being winter the image was pretty flat and I had wanted to warm it up a bit. But whether you think my skintone is too light or too dark is besides the point, as this post is not about the colour of my skin. It is about people making me feel hugely uncomfortable on a near weekly basis.
2. "I've got brown hair and my children have got blonde hair. No-one has ever questioned me! What's she going on about?"
Well, I'm really glad to read that, because if you were getting questioned as often as I do, by complete strangers I may add, you'd probably end up feeling as disheartened as I do. But you not being asked doesn't change the fact that I do get asked, and it doesn't change the fact that it hurts my feelings.
3. "It's just small talk, how else are you meant to get to know people at toddler groups?"
This one is really bizarre. It's not small talk to ask if my children are really mine. I have never, ever questioned anyone about their heritage, ethnicity or looks in general. Goodness knows how I've got any friends at all, if you're meant to ask intrusive questions about their family and background within the first five minutes of meeting them...
4. "She's choosing to be offended"
I'm reacting to a situation that I'm in because other people choose to speak before they think. I don't have a choice in the matter. I suppose I could walk away, but ironically I don't want to be rude to them!
5. "It's just an observation"
So we should just all walk around saying exactly what's on our minds, regardless of how it might make the other person feel? There are plenty of things that I might observe about other people, but I'd never dream of saying them because I would never want to make someone else feel sad or uncomfortable.
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UPDATE:
Wow. The response to this post has been overwhelming to say the least. Most people have responded kindly, thank you to all of you lovely people! Some others have been a little less supportive, so I'd like to clear a few things up. I've reworded some of the things that have been said, so as not to point the finger at anyone directly:
1. "I don't get it, she just looks like a tanned white girl, why is she so bothered?"
I write a post about people assuming I'm a childminder because my hair and skin are darker than my children (that is other people's reasoning by the way, and not just my assumption), and I get a bunch of people saying that I'm not dark-skinned enough for anyone to make those comments. Okaaaaay. Yes, in this photo I guess I do look like a "tanned white girl". It was taken at the end of winter, when my skintone looks "tanned" (and I get delivery drivers and checkout staff asking me if I've just got back from anywhere nice. Nope it's just my skintone). So if people think I'm tanned in winter, what do you think they make of me during the summer! Oh, and yes it has been edited in post-production because being winter the image was pretty flat and I had wanted to warm it up a bit. But whether you think my skintone is too light or too dark is besides the point, as this post is not about the colour of my skin. It is about people making me feel hugely uncomfortable on a near weekly basis.
2. "I've got brown hair and my children have got blonde hair. No-one has ever questioned me! What's she going on about?"
Well, I'm really glad to read that, because if you were getting questioned as often as I do, by complete strangers I may add, you'd probably end up feeling as disheartened as I do. But you not being asked doesn't change the fact that I do get asked, and it doesn't change the fact that it hurts my feelings.
3. "It's just small talk, how else are you meant to get to know people at toddler groups?"
This one is really bizarre. It's not small talk to ask if my children are really mine. I have never, ever questioned anyone about their heritage, ethnicity or looks in general. Goodness knows how I've got any friends at all, if you're meant to ask intrusive questions about their family and background within the first five minutes of meeting them...
4. "She's choosing to be offended"
I'm reacting to a situation that I'm in because other people choose to speak before they think. I don't have a choice in the matter. I suppose I could walk away, but ironically I don't want to be rude to them!
5. "It's just an observation"
So we should just all walk around saying exactly what's on our minds, regardless of how it might make the other person feel? There are plenty of things that I might observe about other people, but I'd never dream of saying them because I would never want to make someone else feel sad or uncomfortable.
