I've been a mum now for nearly four years. But I still feel so new to all this and I have never managed to feel like I really am a mum. Like a proper grown up. I feel like I'm winging it, flailing along, hoping we all survive the day. I feel like every other mum I know is calm and composed and just knows what the heck she's doing, while I'm struggling with adulting.
Who on earth thought it would be a good idea to give me all this responsibility. Run a house, raise children, heck, even raising other people's children. Me? Really?! People ask me for help and advice, for my opinion, for my tips. Because I'm a mum of two, and I have two stepchildren, so surely I know what I'm doing. Right? But all the time I've been feeling like I don't quite cut it as a mum.
I don't know why it is. After Little N was born, I thought it might be related to his birth. Because I felt so responsible for everything that happened, so maybe the guilt, maybe the PTSD, was holding me back from embracing my new role in life. But J's birth went so smoothly, and yet I still didn't feel grown up enough to be a mum.
Other women seem to float along just being mums, just taking it all in their stride, and yet I didn't. It all felt... surreal.
I keep waiting for an epiphany.
A lightbulb moment.
For someone to flip a switch.
And yesterday it happened.
Yesterday, I suddenly felt like a mum.
"My want my... Mummy!"
It wasn't giving birth, it wasn't feeding, it wasn't bathing, it wasn't cuddling, it wasn't the sleepless nights, it wasn't the dressing, the playing, the stories. It wasn't any of that.
It was Little N falling over in the garden. It was him coming into the house in a flood of hot tears, with angry balled up fists and a bloody knee. Ian was downstairs, but Little N stopped in the hallway and wailed upstairs to where I was: "My want my... Mummy!"
It's me that he wanted, and only me. There was no-one else that could provide what he needed in that moment in time, other than me.
And that's what shot me through the heart and made me realise - I am a mum.
Well you've just made me cry. It's all we can ever hope to be - to be the one they need and want to turn to. If it makes you feel better I always look at you and think you are doing an awesome job. You just have to look at the boys to know you are an amazing mummy. x
ReplyDeleteawww such a lovely post, i have to admit it made me tear up a little bit. My little boy and me have such a special bond.. its unlike anything ive ever had before. I agree the moment that your child wants you and only you is a special and heartwarming one. xx
ReplyDeleteIt is pretty amazing how there are some things they only want us for. Right now, these moments where they are little we literally are the centre of their universe, everything gravitates back to us. And just by being there (not needing to fix everything or be 'perfect') we are enough and we are doing just fine! Beautifully written I have shared on Twitter xo
ReplyDeleteI still have those moments where I marvel at how the children are all still alive and thriving when I have absolutely no idea what I am doing!
ReplyDeleteGosh, us Mums can be so hard on ourselves, can't we? We need to stop that because no matter how glum these seem, we're still pretty amazing at this whole parent-gig! Also, all the breton stripes? LOVE! x
ReplyDeleteI think many mums have these days when we feel like we are...pretending? It's such a huge responsibility raising children and there's no examinations beforehand! But yes my children frequently want me, just me, and I never thought of it like that - of course I am the centre of their world, their no. 1 love, I won't always be but for now I am. That must mean we are doing ok!?
ReplyDeleteThis is such a lovely post, I can't wait until my 7 month old can say mama. It already fills me with emotion when he puts him arms out to be lifted by me. We're all pretty much emotional wrecks really!!! #SharingtheBlogLove
ReplyDeleteLoving all the stripy tops. I have to say I think mums are too hard on themselves. I'm not a maternal type at all, knew nothing about babies but from the time N arrived I've been a great mum, and it's felt good. I think I've been lucky with an easy child, but even so, I think some mums can worry too much about what they are or aren't doing. We're all actually great (well apart from the nutter ones, who need locking up) #sharingthebloglove
ReplyDeleteAwe. Really great post. We are all just winging it and no one really knows what they are doing! Love this post. #SharingTheBlogLove
ReplyDeleteAs I said before when I shared it on FB, it's a fabulous post. I am sure a lot of mummies felt a bit like you! But we are always ashamed to admit our weakness. #SharingtheBlogLove
ReplyDeleteI completely understand that surreal feeling of motherhood - the whole experience in the hospital after the birth I remember being a surreal haze that I couldn't quite believe was happening, and there's been a tinge of it ever since. But those moments are so special and bring it all home, don't they. Thanks so much for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove
ReplyDeleteI think may of us feel like this. I only said to my husband the other week shit we are parents, how is that possible ? I still feel like we are first together and I feel far too selfish.
ReplyDeleteThen I look round and realise I have 3 kids, I have been doing this for 7 years and our eldest is disabled. I think we are all just winging it, even the Mums who look so together xx
Aww a really honest post. It really cute how you are all matching #SundayBest
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Great post! Mom is everything to little kids. Mom has the toughest job in the world but when the little ones let you know you are so wanted, it is the greatest feeling.
ReplyDelete#sundaybest
shoppingobsesisonblog.blogspot.com
You made me realize that i am not alone in this. Sometimes i wonder how i manage to raise them while people keep praising how good they are...Jeez!! Thanks for making me feel i am not alone
ReplyDeleteThat to me is the ultimate thing that sums up motherhood. When you are the only person in the world that can make things better. It's such a hard feeling to describe. #SundayBest
ReplyDeleteThis. Just this. It is lovely to feel needed even if it when yours kids are hurt. Lovely post and thanks for hosting! #SundayBest
ReplyDeleteSuch a heartwarming post :-) it's lovely to feel needed and, occasionally, the hero of a little persons day. I'm trying to cherish it cos I know it won't last forever :-/
ReplyDeleteAhh this gave me goosebumps. So sweet! I have a little one who is almost five months and i've felt like i'm 'winging it' a lot of the time!! People tell me i'' so relaxed and super chilled but they don't realise it's hard for me to take that as a compliment. It just makes me worry and think why am i so chilled?!! Shouldn't i be?! What am i doing wrongg?!!
ReplyDeletePs, love the matching tops!!
#SundayBest
Ahhhh I have moments like that. Like when school ring to tell me about an award assembly or I go to parents evening. Lovely post #SundayBest
ReplyDeleteThere is no rule book in which to be mum and all of us are winging it right? I was joking that I may change my name to Bob but would I really? NO way I love being wanted by my babies. #SundayBest
ReplyDeleteI adored this post the first time I read it and still do, popping back this time from #sundaybest
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean, I feel like this and it feels like I am just plodding along waiting for someone to say we come to pick up the children thanks for looking after them. But no one ever comes, because they are mine and it still feels surreal even now. Thank you for joining us again at #SharingtheBlogLove x
ReplyDeleteI've often wondered who these "together mums" are, every mum I have spoken to struggle at times. Maybe they just aren't hanging out at baby groups? You're children needing you is such a lovely feeling, most of the time #SundayBest
ReplyDeleteAww wwhat a great post. Theres nobody like mummy to make it all better, nobody at all! #SundayBest
ReplyDeleteAw this is such a lovely post! I'm with you on the not feeling like I wouldn't cut it, and with my two being so young and my partners being a lot older it's really strange going from one to the other. I feel like I only know baby talk, and how to talk about poopoo and peppa pig so talking to actual children and even adults is a weird one haha #TwinklyTuesday
ReplyDeleteAw such a beautiful post, I'm loving your outfits!
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Such a simple moment can make everything feel just right and how you expect. A lovely moment. I'm one of those mums who didn't expect to be maternal, had no idea about babies, but it's just happened and felt so right, despite having to have an unplanned csection and that breast feeding didn't work for us. But from talking to friends it seems that I'm in a minority - I seriously expected to be someone who found it harder work....I'm just waiting on it all to go tits up come teenage years! #sharingthebloglove
ReplyDeleteYes I think we all have those doubts and I certainly feel like I'm making it up as we go along. I think even those Mums that look like they've really got it together are winging too, makes me feel better thinking that. #sharingthelove. X
ReplyDeleteI think it is all very surreal to start with, you can't believe you are actually responsible for this other life, and it can be something to really make It feel right! #SharingTheBlogLove
ReplyDeleteFeeling a little blubby right now... so lovely. Those Mums that are just floating along probably feel exactly the same! We are all winging it :) #SharingTheBlogLove
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! I still don't feel like a grown up yet alone a mum. It's crazy isn't it! Oh and don't even get me started about making grown up decisions!
ReplyDelete#SharingTheBlogLove
Gosh this little post just made me catch my breath! You are so right - there's something that only a mummy can do. Our little place so much trust in us - they rely on us for everything - and so often we feel like that trust is unfounded, like we don't know what we're doing. But we will do absolute best for these precious ones!!!! #SharingTheBlogLove
ReplyDeleteI love this. We attended an event last week where my eldest (4 next month) was suddenly in a room full of strangers who wanted to interact with him. He immediately became quiet and clung to me. Despite the fact he is pretty heavy now, I handed the baby to family and picked him up, then let him hide his face in my neck for the following 30 minutes while he calmed down until he felt comfortable enough to socialise. On the inside I was glowing with love that it had to be me (others did offer, including daddy, but no) and that he still needs me that way. It really is those moments that make you feel like a 'real' mummy :) x #sharingthebloglove
ReplyDeleteAww that's lovely. It's so lovely when they just want you. I know what you mean, I'm often struggling with being an adult and often feel like I'm still a teenager myself. But then something happens that makes me realise oh man I am real grown up!! Great post x #sharingtheBlogLove
ReplyDeleteAww that's lovely. It's so lovely when they just want you. I know what you mean, I'm often struggling with being an adult and often feel like I'm still a teenager myself. But then something happens that makes me realise oh man I am real grown up!! Great post x #sharingtheBlogLove
ReplyDeleteThis is really lovely! There are so many times when I experience this feeling of sureal...like I'm the one making the decisions and responsible for my own home. Sometimes I have to pinch myself! I don't know when I really felt like a real mum, but it's probably the tiredness! #sharingthebloglove
ReplyDeleteAwww that made my heart twinge. So sweet that all he wanted was you. #Sharingthebloglove
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful Sian and you've made me cry. It's those little moments that get me too xx
ReplyDeleteYou know that all those calm and composed mums are secretly winging it too right? That's what everyone does! I remember when I went to my first parents evening, I think that's when I finally actually felt like a proper parent. #SharingTheBogLove
ReplyDeleteAhhh how lovely <3 I can totally relate to all of this, I often spend my days thinking "This just doesn't feel like I'm the mum"...I mean I love them like a mother, and everything...but somehow I don't feel responsible or grown up enough. I think I just always imagined my own mother was so "GROWN UP" and that I'm not just not yet...but I guess maybe she wasn't as grown up as I thought either! She was younger than I was when she had us. #SundayBest
ReplyDeleteWhat a gorgeous post and I am so with you. I definitely don't feel like 'mum of two' even though I very much am. Most definitely winging it here! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm winging it most of the time, even though I am now mum to four. I think people expect me to know what I'm doing with four, but I am still waiting to feel like an adult! Its an amazing feeling isn't, when nothing but you will do to comfort them xx
ReplyDeleteI got this feeling when someone called me Ted's Mum for the first time. I thought shit I actually am someone's Mum! That's when I realised I was actually going to be just a Mum pretty much for the rest of my life and it was scary but amazing at the same time! Xx
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